World of Warcraft? Go fuck yourself.

I'm not claiming to not be a bit nerdy. Everyone has their nerdy things. I, for instance, love X-Men. Jason's also a total geek, but in a good way. Our passion for Come Dine With Me and Dragon's Den is totally normal and does not hamper our development as socially well-rounded individuals. I also don't mind people who are nerdy about Lord of the Rings or that kind of thing. Star Trek borders on bad, but is forgivable.
What is not, is World of Warcraft. If you aren't familiar with this cancer on humanity, it's a video game. You decide to be a warlock, or a mage, or a pixie-fart or whatever piece of fantasy takes your fancy and live in a world that is basically bullshit. It's an escape for people who can't just live in the real world.
I have no problem with video games. I actually quite like them myself. As Jason can testify, I'm really, really good at Resident Evil 5. My problem with World of Warcraft is that it's like Second Life in that people are just forgetting that they have real lives and living in this magical alternate land with level seventeen amulets and a level 52 goblin sceptre. It's total bullshit.
All I can really say to these mages, elves, witches and voodoo dolls is that there is a big world out there. There's no point living in your PC just because you get to have magical powers. Use the magical powers of your stellar personality and sense of humour to attract friends. You don't need potions. They'll love you for your natural sparkle.
Seriously, get a fucking life you geeks. It costs a load of money. Money that you could spend on cool pursuits like hookers and tequila. Anyway, do you really want to end up like this guy?



Also, if you're going to play, at least have the balls to make your own guild ROBERT instead of just playing bitch to some utter dork from Ohio or whatever. You're disgracing yourself daily.

Bx

Things I don’t like about the countries of the world – European Edition!

You know there are a lot of great things about Europe. It’s got some of the best people in the world (The Belgian) and the worst (I’m not going to say who it is but I think we all know). Another great thing about Europe is the fact that they’ve unionised themselves right up, just like in the movies! Also, those world wars you’ve been hearing so much about, all started there! Some would also argue that they ended there, but I’m not that well up on history.
Not everything in Europe is gum drops and sunshine though. In fact there are a lot of things about European countries (especially one, you know who you are) that are pretty crap. I’m here today, a citizen of Europe, to list of some things that suck about countries in Europe.


As a disclaimer, I’d just like to say, I’ve got no issues with these countries, racism is bad guys and I’ll have none of it.


Germany
There are a few obvious things that I could put down here but I’m going to look past the stereotypes and present the real worst thing about Germany; the foreign exchange system they’ve got going on. We didn’t even send a student over there, and we were landed with a crazy drugged up monster, who scribbled German expletives on our school halls and rolled joints in the back of class. Is this what your education system produces Germany? For shame...

Italy
There are probably a lot of good things about Italy. I know most people love pizza. I’ve never been a fan. But I can forgive these minor details. However, after a school trip to Italy when I was 16 I can never forget the horror story that I found myself embroiled in. From a missing in action pontiff to a dead health inspector found in the red light district, the entire tour was pretty terrifying. I can accept this was probably a less than fair presentation of Italy, but still, come on guys, get the prostitutes off the street.

France
I had my first glass of wine when I was twelve. I had my last glass (or ten) when I was eighteen. You owe my mother a new rug France. If it wasn’t for you, it wouldn’t have ended up in the bin.

France
And don’t think I’m forgetting about Celine Dion. No matter what way you look at it, that was the beginning of the end for the Eurovision.

Sweden
There’s actually not that much wrong with Sweden. One major issue with it, however, is that “sh” sound Swedish people tend to make when trying to make s sounds. Not everyone does it, I know, and there speech impediments can do the same thing but I’d consider it a personal favour if you stopped. Other than that, well done. I especially like your melodic death metal and the song Mamma Mia.


The Netherlands
...

Ireland
Yeh, I can direct criticism both ways. Ireland has a lot of problems too. Almost all of these problems can be traced back to one group of individuals; The Cranberries. Seriously Ireland, WTF?

Best day ever.

Jason and I took an educational trip to Dublin's Zoological Gardens this week. We were there to learn, not to be massive disgraces like most of the children we saw. Cop on guys, let's have a bit of maturity here.
Anyway, let's just bust some myths here.
The penguins were absolute arseholes. I had no time for them. We also went to the sealion feeding, which sounds like it would be fun, but in reality was just these people making sealions do the same jump about twenty times. I can watch my dog jump at home. I didn't pay 12.50 to watch something jump repeatedly for fish.
But it has to be said, Dublin Zoo's biggest failure is City Farm. Now, I'm from a farming background, but even if you aren't, this mess of an exhibit is a total waste of time. Again, I did not pay 12.50 to see cats. Seriously. Cats.



Jason's house has literally seventy cats. I would go there for free if I wanted to see cats.



As you can see from Jason's expression, City Farm is a horrible mess and a waste of time. So we headed to the reptile house. It smelled kind of funny.
There were some great animals there too. The general consensus was that the best animal we saw was the Red Panda, or Fox Lemur as Jason christened it.



All I can say is, best animal ever. The spider monkeys were the cutest animals ever. When we arrived they were all asleep and adorable. I want one now, but only if it's house trained and doesn't throw shit at me.



Adorable. Other highlights included the gorillas and the African Plains. Plus it was so warm it kinda felt like Africa. Sort of... Although Jason and I both got sunburned, Jason worse than me, so that's alright. All I can really say about our day to the zoo is that it was amazing. The only negatives were the children, the penguins, the sealions and City Farm. Seriously, City Farm. All I can say is WTF.
But apart from all of these things it really was the best day ever. We bought cute plushies in the gift shop. I got a zebra called Boogles and Jason got a monkey called Allegra.



Lovely. I would highly recommend Dublin Zoo, even if just for the hilarious signs. This one is my favourite.



Bit melodramatic. Next time I go back it'll be with a massive backpack for the Red Panda. Happy Birthday Jason!

Total Eclipse of the Heart - Drunk Vs. Sober

Bonnie Tyler’s classic Total Eclipse of the Heart has, for decades, had scholars tediously searching through its complex symbols and abstract dialogue in order to answer one seemingly interesting question – WTF does it mean? I don’t know much about music but I do know one very important fact; some songs only make sense when you’re sober and some only make sense when you’re so inebriated that you barely remember where you live. I’m guessing plenty of these “scholars” examined this song the old fashioned way so I decided to try it the new fangled way. This is an experiment though so I’m doing it the right way. First I’ll dissect the song sober and then I’ll take the ultimate plunge, drink until I can no longer function in society and then dissect it with the shaky hand of a cocaine addict. Soon the greatest musical mystery of all time will be revealed.


Sober Jay Jay

Well for starters, Bonnie’s being pretty rude here, ignoring someone whose just asking her to turn around. She seems to be more interested in talking about her feelings than in actually confronting her problems, “every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round”. It seems that if she listened to the chap and turned around she’d realise that there’s no issue. Bonnie Tyler = Drama Queen.
Now she’s talking about how she needs him tonight. He’s behind you Bonnie! Turn around woman! Bonnie Tyler = hard of hearing?
It seems like the total eclipse of the heart she’s talking about is all because of her inability to listen. So really, upon basic analysis of this song, the entire deal is about some person who appears to be more interested in complaining about someone else rather than turning around. Moral; Check your surroundings before you start bitching about someone.

Drunk Jay Jay
Okay I have to start off with a brief explanation of what you’re about to read. I’ll admit it, typing while under the influence is difficult and it got the better of even a champ such as myself. Plus a lot of what I was trying to say made no sense whatsoever. I edited out some unreadable gibberish and fixed the spelling. You’re about to witness the thought process of a maniac. Prepare yourself.

Right so she’s talking to some dude and he wants her to turn around but she’s not able cos she’s talking to him and he’s not really listening at all. Now she’s sad cos she’s always alone. What’s his deal anyway? He sings really high. Actually maybe it’s a girl? Is she a lesbian? She sings like an engine or something. OMG I love this bit. Oh wait no that’s a different song. Her hearts like dark or something. Wait aren’t eclipses meant to happen to moons. I’m lost now. Oh wait she just said that there’s love in the dark. Hahaha I know what that means. Oh now it’s over. Yeah I think it means that she’s sad probably.

And there you have it. Total Eclipse of the Heart SOLVED!

I love you Florence and the Machine

I just wish you'd play Electric Picnic instead of Oxegen. I still love you though.



B x

All I can say is.... *tear*

We haven't really explored our views of the Hogan family. Mess is the general consensus with Jason and I. So when I saw this picture of Hulk, his daughter and his new girlfriend, I cried a little. Ok, a lot.
Enjoy! Or not...


B x

I love Jean Pierre Jeunet, Audrey Tautou and Chanel...

...so I basically freaked when I saw this piece of loveliness. Enjoy!



B x

The seven things (and extra thing) that you really have to appreciate about Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus has taken quite the verbal bashing lately. Now I’m not one to point fingers or name names, but Bridget, just know that my virtual finger is pointed squarely at you. So in order to defend Miley Cyrus, or Hannah Montana as she will be known for the duration of this blog, I have prepared a “counter list” of sorts. And it begins:
1. What people seem to forget about Hannah Montana is that she not only rocks out the show, she also chills out and takes it slow. Just let that sink in for a minute. I think that armed with this knowledge you could surely agree that she has, indeed, got the best of both worlds.
2. I think everyone would find it hard to get over a Jonas Brother. I mean, she probably developed rickets from being inside praying so much. Give it a rest Jonas Brothers. We all know that Jesus is a Hanson fan.
3. And I’d like to see a certain hair obsessed girl turn down any member of the Jonas brothers, even if they were the “ugly” one (And anyway that’s a bit like specifying a crazy member of the Hogan’s).
4. She’s not her brother.
5. Remember that time Hannah started dating the short dude? Haha comedy at its finest.
6. She’s not her dad.
7. I think her wig is pretty fucking nifty.
8. (One more point than Bridget I might add) She encouraged Rosa Parks to stay on the bus.
So in summary, is Hannah Montana the best person ever? I’m going to present you with a quote from a young Indian boy who competed on a televised show to win tickets to her concert. “YOU GOT THAT QUESTION WRONG BITCH”. You hear that Bridget? You got that one wrong.

JJ

The seven things I hate about Miley Cyrus

I don't know why I was watching 7 Things by Miley Cyrus tonight. It's probably cos I'm stupid and avoiding study. I'm going to preface this by saying I have a severe hair obsession and hate celebrities who's hair I want. I'm talking to you Miley Cyrus!
1. Why does she sing about or date Nick Jonas? He's not even the hottest Jonas brother. Also, everyone knows wearing virginity rings is a sign of being stupid.
2. The fact that she has nicer hair than me. I deserve lovely, soft ringlety hair. Instead I have hair that is shaggy and goes triangular shaped in the rain.
3. She's really quite in-your-face. On Jonathan Ross, she literally would not shut up. I wanted to bitchslap my TV. Then she started acting like she was better than Helen Mirren.
4. Hannah Montana is fucking stupid. Just cos Jason watches it does not make it cool. Plus her Hannah Montana wig is vile.
5. The fact that she thinks she'll get into serious acting. Haha.
6. Her performing. My friend in drag, Miley Guyrus, put on a better show than her.
7. Her songs. They are irritating. No fourteen year old should be bopping around singing about how in love they are and their "relationships".

I'm not really trying to be a bitch. Studying is taking it out of me and I needed a rant. In fairness to Miley Cyrus, she wears a super cute dress in the 7 Things video. Sass and Bide I think, but can't be sure.
Here's one to sing about your pre-teen relationships with.


B x

All I'm saying is, be prepared...

Zombies and the impending zombie apocalypse have always been huge fears of mine. Ever since I watched my cousins play games like Resident Evil and Silent Hill on PS1 from the age of ten, it has been natural for me to totally fear the undead and allow that fear to impact on my daily life. My fear has only been fuelled by the new generation of zombie films like the new Dawn of the Dead, in which the undead can run. It was always a comfort to me that I could walk a bit fast to escape zombies, but now they're like Linford Christie on acid. Ugh.
[quick aside: 28 Days Later is not a zombie film. Stop being a fucking moron. While it has completely added to the fire of my fear of a scary pandemic where human type creatures try to kill/eat me, it is not a zombie film. The Infected of 28 Days Later are humans that are infected with the rage virus, which completely inhabits their brains and bodies with rage, causing them to experience the adrenaline rush of anger. This makes them highly aggressive and speedy. Eek! Zombies are people that have died and reanimated. You can kill an Infected in any way you can kill a person. Zombies must be killed by "removing the head or destroying the brain". Stop calling 28 Days Later a zombie film. I hate when people do this. Rant over.]
28 Days Later always scared me so much. I don't think any film has ever terrified me as much as that one did. It's cos these people are still people. I always wondered about the humanity of the Infected. That part when Mailer, the chained up Infected, is shrieking and spitting blood and Christopher Ecclestone (I so would) is saying that he knows that he'll never bake bread, tend land, etc. These people are lost forever, and that's the real tragedy. It's hugely scary because it seems really real and tangible. Use of digital film was the right choice here in my opinion because it gives the film a sort of documentary quality to it. The scenario in which the virus gets out seems really plausible. It better not happen, because the facility it starts out in is in Cambridge, where I used to live. It's a really nice city. You should visit. Hopefully it won't be teeming with undead or Infected.
Because Jason is a good friend of mine, he regularly tells me things that make me want to cry over the ridiculous impending nature of the zombie holocaust. He linked me to an article today that tells you five ways in which the zombie apocalypse can happen [here it is http://www.cracked.com/article_15643_p5.html :)]. It's sort of stupid, yet the evidence they give is weirdly compelling and true. I'm not sure what to believe and Jason probably thinks it's hilarious that I'm even more paranoid.
Another thing he has done to make me scared about this is give me the book World War Z by Max Brooks. In fairness to Jason, it is a great book, although he hasn't actually read it all [epic fail Jason]. It tells the story of the world's attempts to rebuild itself after the zombie apocalypse. It's told in a really great narrative style: a compilation of interviews from people involved in the "war" as Brooks calls it. I read it in 2 days as it was that unputdownable. Fun fact! Max Brooks is the son of Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft.
If anything comes from this, it's that people will think to be prepared. I realise that I'm coming across as a total psycho, but when something is chowing on your jugular, you'll think "why didn't I listen to that psycho girl? She was so right! Ow!" Then you'll start eating your friends and family. You sick fuck. In Ireland, we do not have random guns, unless you are a farmer. Objects should be used to "remove the head or destroy the brain". It's the only way to take them out. Seek shelter somewhere with food and water that is not easily accessed. Make sure that if someone is bitten that they are quarantined and killed. It's mean, but necessary. It's zombie apocalypse and the likelihood is that there is no cure yet, cos all the scientists are too busy running for the hills or eating each other.
My fear is a valid one in my eyes. It was inspired by the amazing fear I had for Nemesis back in the day, as well as that horrible first zombie you encounter in the mansion is RE1, which my cousins, sister and I lovingly christened "Cookie Face". Now that swine flu is around, people are more conscious of disease and pandemics. Just be careful, you'll wish you'd listened when I'm in my fortress and you're dead and eating someone.
B x

Anger. Not reserved for flamingos anymore.

I remember the first time I saw a swan. I was eight years old and had finally received the all clear from my doctor to exit my bubble and visit the outside world. Well the first thing I asked my parents to do, naturally, was to take me to the zoo, to see one of these lions I had been hearing so much about. Unfortunately my parents were gambling addicts and had spent any potential zoo money on a shady donkey race at the back of a pub so I was firmly informed, “You’ll see just as many animals at the lake”. This is why, on my first viewing of a swan, I was initially led to believe by my manipulative mother that it was a flamingo. “Why isn’t it pink?” I asked innocently, only to be met with the harsh reply, “Why don’t you shut the hell up and enjoy the flamingos?” Despite the years of therapy incidents such as this have led to, I’ll always remember the first time I saw a swan. How its white body glided across the water, how it searched for bread being thrown by old people with no grandchildren to pester and how it started to chase my mother and I after she threw a particularly large stone in its direction. Maybe that’s why the idea of an anger swan is so appealing to me; because my first memory of a swan will always be marred by the anger I feel towards flamingos for being such a letdown when I finally saw them, 10 years later, at a real zoo.

Ugh. It's my current favourite word.

These days I spend literally all of my time being bored. I text Jason about twenty times a day telling him I'm bored. The other day I went down and told my mum and she told me to go away and stop whining. Jason said I was acting like an eight year old by expecting my mother to entertain me, but really, the woman shouldn't have spawned me if she didn't want to entertain me. Sorry I don't consider Deal or No Deal entertainment!
It's cos I'm trying to study and what I'm studying is medieval literature, which is literally the worst thing in the ENTIRE world. I'm being slightly hyperbolic, cos genocide and Peaches Geldof are worse, but still, why can't they leave medieval stuff in the 1300's?
Cos exams are being awful, there will be a delay in starting up the podcast Jason and I have spent the last year talking about. We spent all of last summer listening to Russell Brand and Matt Morgan talk crap and we can do that, only better. Admit it, you're excited.
B x