Wednesday, July 1, 2009

World of Warcraft? Go fuck yourself.

I'm not claiming to not be a bit nerdy. Everyone has their nerdy things. I, for instance, love X-Men. Jason's also a total geek, but in a good way. Our passion for Come Dine With Me and Dragon's Den is totally normal and does not hamper our development as socially well-rounded individuals. I also don't mind people who are nerdy about Lord of the Rings or that kind of thing. Star Trek borders on bad, but is forgivable.
What is not, is World of Warcraft. If you aren't familiar with this cancer on humanity, it's a video game. You decide to be a warlock, or a mage, or a pixie-fart or whatever piece of fantasy takes your fancy and live in a world that is basically bullshit. It's an escape for people who can't just live in the real world.
I have no problem with video games. I actually quite like them myself. As Jason can testify, I'm really, really good at Resident Evil 5. My problem with World of Warcraft is that it's like Second Life in that people are just forgetting that they have real lives and living in this magical alternate land with level seventeen amulets and a level 52 goblin sceptre. It's total bullshit.
All I can really say to these mages, elves, witches and voodoo dolls is that there is a big world out there. There's no point living in your PC just because you get to have magical powers. Use the magical powers of your stellar personality and sense of humour to attract friends. You don't need potions. They'll love you for your natural sparkle.
Seriously, get a fucking life you geeks. It costs a load of money. Money that you could spend on cool pursuits like hookers and tequila. Anyway, do you really want to end up like this guy?

Also, if you're going to play, at least have the balls to make your own guild ROBERT instead of just playing bitch to some utter dork from Ohio or whatever. You're disgracing yourself daily.


Things I don’t like about the countries of the world – European Edition!

You know there are a lot of great things about Europe. It’s got some of the best people in the world (The Belgian) and the worst (I’m not going to say who it is but I think we all know). Another great thing about Europe is the fact that they’ve unionised themselves right up, just like in the movies! Also, those world wars you’ve been hearing so much about, all started there! Some would also argue that they ended there, but I’m not that well up on history.
Not everything in Europe is gum drops and sunshine though. In fact there are a lot of things about European countries (especially one, you know who you are) that are pretty crap. I’m here today, a citizen of Europe, to list of some things that suck about countries in Europe.

As a disclaimer, I’d just like to say, I’ve got no issues with these countries, racism is bad guys and I’ll have none of it.

There are a few obvious things that I could put down here but I’m going to look past the stereotypes and present the real worst thing about Germany; the foreign exchange system they’ve got going on. We didn’t even send a student over there, and we were landed with a crazy drugged up monster, who scribbled German expletives on our school halls and rolled joints in the back of class. Is this what your education system produces Germany? For shame...

There are probably a lot of good things about Italy. I know most people love pizza. I’ve never been a fan. But I can forgive these minor details. However, after a school trip to Italy when I was 16 I can never forget the horror story that I found myself embroiled in. From a missing in action pontiff to a dead health inspector found in the red light district, the entire tour was pretty terrifying. I can accept this was probably a less than fair presentation of Italy, but still, come on guys, get the prostitutes off the street.

I had my first glass of wine when I was twelve. I had my last glass (or ten) when I was eighteen. You owe my mother a new rug France. If it wasn’t for you, it wouldn’t have ended up in the bin.

And don’t think I’m forgetting about Celine Dion. No matter what way you look at it, that was the beginning of the end for the Eurovision.

There’s actually not that much wrong with Sweden. One major issue with it, however, is that “sh” sound Swedish people tend to make when trying to make s sounds. Not everyone does it, I know, and there speech impediments can do the same thing but I’d consider it a personal favour if you stopped. Other than that, well done. I especially like your melodic death metal and the song Mamma Mia.

The Netherlands


Yeh, I can direct criticism both ways. Ireland has a lot of problems too. Almost all of these problems can be traced back to one group of individuals; The Cranberries. Seriously Ireland, WTF?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Best day ever.

Jason and I took an educational trip to Dublin's Zoological Gardens this week. We were there to learn, not to be massive disgraces like most of the children we saw. Cop on guys, let's have a bit of maturity here.
Anyway, let's just bust some myths here.
The penguins were absolute arseholes. I had no time for them. We also went to the sealion feeding, which sounds like it would be fun, but in reality was just these people making sealions do the same jump about twenty times. I can watch my dog jump at home. I didn't pay 12.50 to watch something jump repeatedly for fish.
But it has to be said, Dublin Zoo's biggest failure is City Farm. Now, I'm from a farming background, but even if you aren't, this mess of an exhibit is a total waste of time. Again, I did not pay 12.50 to see cats. Seriously. Cats.

Jason's house has literally seventy cats. I would go there for free if I wanted to see cats.

As you can see from Jason's expression, City Farm is a horrible mess and a waste of time. So we headed to the reptile house. It smelled kind of funny.
There were some great animals there too. The general consensus was that the best animal we saw was the Red Panda, or Fox Lemur as Jason christened it.

All I can say is, best animal ever. The spider monkeys were the cutest animals ever. When we arrived they were all asleep and adorable. I want one now, but only if it's house trained and doesn't throw shit at me.

Adorable. Other highlights included the gorillas and the African Plains. Plus it was so warm it kinda felt like Africa. Sort of... Although Jason and I both got sunburned, Jason worse than me, so that's alright. All I can really say about our day to the zoo is that it was amazing. The only negatives were the children, the penguins, the sealions and City Farm. Seriously, City Farm. All I can say is WTF.
But apart from all of these things it really was the best day ever. We bought cute plushies in the gift shop. I got a zebra called Boogles and Jason got a monkey called Allegra.

Lovely. I would highly recommend Dublin Zoo, even if just for the hilarious signs. This one is my favourite.

Bit melodramatic. Next time I go back it'll be with a massive backpack for the Red Panda. Happy Birthday Jason!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Total Eclipse of the Heart - Drunk Vs. Sober

Bonnie Tyler’s classic Total Eclipse of the Heart has, for decades, had scholars tediously searching through its complex symbols and abstract dialogue in order to answer one seemingly interesting question – WTF does it mean? I don’t know much about music but I do know one very important fact; some songs only make sense when you’re sober and some only make sense when you’re so inebriated that you barely remember where you live. I’m guessing plenty of these “scholars” examined this song the old fashioned way so I decided to try it the new fangled way. This is an experiment though so I’m doing it the right way. First I’ll dissect the song sober and then I’ll take the ultimate plunge, drink until I can no longer function in society and then dissect it with the shaky hand of a cocaine addict. Soon the greatest musical mystery of all time will be revealed.

Sober Jay Jay

Well for starters, Bonnie’s being pretty rude here, ignoring someone whose just asking her to turn around. She seems to be more interested in talking about her feelings than in actually confronting her problems, “every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round”. It seems that if she listened to the chap and turned around she’d realise that there’s no issue. Bonnie Tyler = Drama Queen.
Now she’s talking about how she needs him tonight. He’s behind you Bonnie! Turn around woman! Bonnie Tyler = hard of hearing?
It seems like the total eclipse of the heart she’s talking about is all because of her inability to listen. So really, upon basic analysis of this song, the entire deal is about some person who appears to be more interested in complaining about someone else rather than turning around. Moral; Check your surroundings before you start bitching about someone.

Drunk Jay Jay
Okay I have to start off with a brief explanation of what you’re about to read. I’ll admit it, typing while under the influence is difficult and it got the better of even a champ such as myself. Plus a lot of what I was trying to say made no sense whatsoever. I edited out some unreadable gibberish and fixed the spelling. You’re about to witness the thought process of a maniac. Prepare yourself.

Right so she’s talking to some dude and he wants her to turn around but she’s not able cos she’s talking to him and he’s not really listening at all. Now she’s sad cos she’s always alone. What’s his deal anyway? He sings really high. Actually maybe it’s a girl? Is she a lesbian? She sings like an engine or something. OMG I love this bit. Oh wait no that’s a different song. Her hearts like dark or something. Wait aren’t eclipses meant to happen to moons. I’m lost now. Oh wait she just said that there’s love in the dark. Hahaha I know what that means. Oh now it’s over. Yeah I think it means that she’s sad probably.

And there you have it. Total Eclipse of the Heart SOLVED!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I love you Florence and the Machine

I just wish you'd play Electric Picnic instead of Oxegen. I still love you though.

B x

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

All I can say is.... *tear*

We haven't really explored our views of the Hogan family. Mess is the general consensus with Jason and I. So when I saw this picture of Hulk, his daughter and his new girlfriend, I cried a little. Ok, a lot.
Enjoy! Or not...

B x

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I love Jean Pierre Jeunet, Audrey Tautou and Chanel... I basically freaked when I saw this piece of loveliness. Enjoy!

B x